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Monday 13 February 2012

lessons from relationships



i am not here to preach but share what so ever i learnt from my life and particularly relationships.I experienced a sudden change in my life when i got married and came to stay in Delhi.Different people,different place , different culture and of course a different family. Until my marriage i knew nothing about caste , creed and culture ,for me only hindu,muslims and kashmiris were the three castes that existed . I would certainly like to share what i feel about diverse castes but would like to share about my learning from a broken  marriage and a couple of relationships i have had . when i look back and think of my married life i realise my marriage worked till the point i was not demanding , non demanding to the the extent if we had a flat tyre ,he would sit on the pavement and watch me change the tyre of the car and i still remember the day when it poured heavily , our apartment was flooded with water due to a blocked drain in the balcony, without giving it a second  thought  i went down,caught hold of a ladder ,climbed up and tried cleaning the blocked water pipe. I got drenched in rain while he watched me struggle open the block from the balcony ,that was the moment i got really pissed off and began to even hate his smile.There are many more such instances which i would not want to go into details , neither do i want to blame him but i blame myself for having created such a situation where a man became a woman and i started playing the role of a man.being a tom boy i was used to that kind of lifestyle which i continued living even after marriage ,  it gave me sense of achievement ,sense of my strength as a girl who was not dependent on a man , probably my bringing up made all the difference (being 5sisters no brother we  grew up into selfdependent girls)But that certainly did not lead to my divorce  , it was his extra marital affairs that led me to walk out on him  and i have no regrets about it , except that i married a guy who did not deserve me at all , probably i was too young when i fell in love for the first time(though i call it infatuation now) i was merely an 18yr old girl.Before i move away from the point i am trying to make , no matter how good or bad experience was my marriage for me but i learnt a few lessons which i am about to share and are important to make a relationship work . I would certainly want to mention my relationships as they were learning experience for me .  I broke off from 1st relationship on my will , one fine day i decided to walk out on him as i felt we had no future together and  we were getting no where,but till date he loves me though i dont love him any more but yes i do respect him and think of the time spent together.We  still wish each other on b'days and have healthy conversation without the mention of past . Theres  no bitterness , and the unbelievable fact we never had an argument in 5years of association forget the fights,such was the beauty of that relationship that i shall always cherish.My second relationship did not last for more than few months ,he became too obsessed , alcholic which led me to break free from that relationship and i swore never again. but being a human being we all hunt for love atleast i do.for me love is the ultimate which is extremely difficult to get unless you are the blessed one.

From what ever i have learnt the most important thing i feel is one needs to learn to give in love not demand , for that matter any relationship when it becomes too demanding it does not last and love is a very sensitive issue an emotional experience  . Love is giving not  receiving the moment you stop expecting and things fall in your platter on its own .
 Set free your partner dont try to hold him or her, it leads to nothing but suffocation and if your partner truly loves you , he or she will never cheat on you and if one does then theres no point of being in that relationship, a relationship has to have a strong bonding based on trust and honesty .I would also like to add if someone promises to change or mend ways , please dont trust  "people dont change." And please please please if ever you find your partner cheating on you break free from that relationship dont wait for your kids to grow up,they will get what they are entitled to , once a liar is always a liar and i feel once a cheater is always a cheater,at least thats what i learnt from my experience,though i always told him "if you fall out of love with me let me know,we shall part ways amicably" But neither he told me nor he changed and 13 years of my youth ,passed away sulking for the fact i knew he was involved with other women but never admitted instead gave me and my daughter hard time so that i leave him on my own.
One should avoid criticising your partner ,always try to put it across gently through conversation to improve upon or what you like or dislike rather than indulging in to criticising. Always criticise the situation that led your partner behave like that, its always situations and circumstances that develop our personality, no one is good or bad so lets not be judgemental.
 Avoid argument or retaliate in fights- as much as possible , choose silence rather than reacting or retaliate in a fight, try to maintain calm believe me it works,i often say "silence is the best killer",let the other partner pour out , honestly wear ear plugs or listen to music while the other partner is fuming.you can always talk it out once the situation is better.
 Look at the positive side of your partner rather than the negative , the more negative you see the more negative it would appear to be.
Last but not least respect for each other and space is very important.

photo credit  stockphoto.com

13 comments:

  1. Wow. This was an intense post. Very thankful to be a reader, to be able to share in your journey. Lot of very valid points here that can help people avoid undue heartache. Each relationship is unique and maybe the same solutions might not yield the same result in different situations, but most of the learning (first hand) that you have shared are so true. Being able to let go, to be able to see each other as human and capable of making mistakes, being able to accept one's errors and make changes, and being able to say enough is enough are my big takeaways from this beautiful, deep, and touching post. Have a meaningful day, Alka!

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    1. thank you so much subhorup first of all am very gratful to have readers like you:)and am very happy that u cud take away something from this post of mine...very valid point you have made all relationships are definitely diffrent :)

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  2. Thank you for sharing your experiences. No matter how harrowing they were,you emerged a stronger person. Your words testify to that fact. Yes,I agree with all your points esp that one shouldn't be demanding in love but it applies to all kinds of relationship. But it is a little difficult to be not demanding when you are in love as you have a sense of entitlement over the other person.
    Anyway,have a beautiful day with people who love you for what you are :)

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    1. hmmm i do agree with your point here its nt easy to not demand in love...but i feel that demands to drive the other person away..thank u so much for ur valuable comment:)

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  3. Thanks for sharing your experience Alka. Yeah for a relationship to sustain you need to give than take and yes one of the partner need to be calm so as to dampen the intensity of an argument.Volumes can be said of sustaining a relationship but then it all depends on the two persons involved. Great Post as usual Alka.

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    1. rightly said engram...every relationship is diffrent from the other:)

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  4. Hmmm every relationship teaches us a lot .. we all have our expeeirnces. It is a pity that such things happen. and as a friend I am sorry to hear you had to go through all this.

    There are bad people everywhere who take you for a ride and think you are stupid, I am sure we all have met them.

    I learnt not to trust people simple, I leanrt the people you think are closes to you are the ones who hurt you and leave you standing there like a IDIOT just because the other guy was maybe better looking then you.

    I can go on and on and i am sure if you go and visit my old posts you will see what i mean ..

    You take care of yourself and There are more people who love us around us.

    Bikram's

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    1. well said bikram we do come across many right people and wrong people in life..wrong more often than right..am glad that i got out of the mess the gud thing that i got from the relationship was my daughter,strength and courage to go on and face he world...i too dont trust easily..infact i normally dont trust people..i will definitely go thru ur older posts 1of these days:)thanks 4ur comment and wishes

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  5. I could definitely relate to this post. I, too, was in a marriage where I was forced to take on the masculine role. After while, it becomes part of you. I cannot seem to shake the habit. I have yet to meet a man who really acts like a man, and perhaps it is my fault. I, too, have learned something from my relationships. I had a 22 year marriage and a one-year marriage. Do I regret them? No, not really. I would have missed out on 3 fabulous children and amazing growth. Will I do it again? Doubtful. I'm tired. Thank you for your insights. They hit home.

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    1. i can see we both come from the same place...i had a 13yr marriage i regret that i was stupid enough to get married at a time and to a person who didnt value when i could have the world at my feet as i hsd done pretty well in life at the time i decided to get married and my career was just taking of..i chose the wrong person and the only good thing i got from this marriage is my daughter,who is my friend my companion my world:)

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  6. You've got some great points there. They make us think, they make us want to do better.
    Have a great day, Alka.

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  7. That was deep! ..some great advice. Relationships and Marriages are real difficult and at times complicated... I'm real sorry you had to go through all that. You are quite strong and brave : )
    Wish you the best.

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